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gigi zeiben florinski
current events
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Who said I was original?
Who said I was allowed,
To sing as if I really sing, to write as if I really write?
Who said that I could suddenly get up from underneath and walk away completely stumbling between each breath I breathe,
And walk away stumbling sublimely between each breath I breathe.
Who said I was allowed?
I once flew by a real tall wall with ivy all around,
And saw two eyes I really liked,
And saw two ears I really liked,
And saw two lips I liked as well,
And saw a face that I could love,
But it was far so far and cold above.
Inside that big above.
But it was far and far and cold inside that big above.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
'Cause you’re no worse than a cloud.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
'Cause you’re no worse than a cloud.
And so I walked to everywhere
And stopped in every town.
The big ones with the little pond,
The small ones with no pond at all.
And though I’ve eaten dirt before,
I‘ve never grown to like the taste.
And I prefer on any day a big green apple in its place.
And I’d prefer on any day a big green apple in its place.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
'Cause you’re no worse than a cloud.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
'Cause you’re no worse than a cloud.
And so I closed my eyes and walked,
And when I opened them again,
I knew the clouds had snowed on me, and then they poured on me some rain.
There stood this cold icicle the very shape and form of me.
I tried to cry, but couldn’t,
So instead, I made myself a cup of tea.
I tried to cry, but couldn’t
So instead, I made myself a cup of tea.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
'Cause you’re no worse than a cloud.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
'Cause you’re no worse than a cloud.
So who said I was original?
Who said I was a cloud?
To rain as if I really rain,
To snow as if I really snow?
You know the fastest thing in this world is the speed of snow into your eyes as you walk off sublimely stumbling, sublimely slipping on the ice.
As you walk off sublimely stumbling, sublimely slipping on the ice.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
'Cause you’re no worse than a cloud.
Don’t ask for their permission,
They’ll never say that you’re allowed.
Be like a cloud,
Be like a cloud,
Be like a cloud,
Be like a cloud,
Be like a cloud,
Be like a cloud,
La la la la la La la la la…
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[Friday
06/26/2009 at 01AM] |
It's interesting that no one on my f-list seems to be aware that Michael Jackson is dead...
...or was I not supposed to mention it?
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| Nehrhad.f |
[Wednesday
05/27/2009 at 08PM] |
I've recently noticed how gracefully I take compliments nowadays.
And I really do owe it all to my mother.
And a childhood enriched with performance opportunity, and thus, an opportunity to say, "Thank you," to those who tell me I performed well.
But many other people aren't so...accepting of praise.
And it really is unfortunate for them.
You don't want to appear rude or self-aware by saying thank you, so you settle for something almost worst - appearing insecure.
I guess I can say that I'd like to help these people take compliments with a smile.
Not sure how.
Not sure why, even.
But I can start small.
I made some New Year resolutions...though really, I should call them Summer 2009 resolutions. And eventually, hopefully, they'll morph into good habits, known as my Junior Year Resolutions.
I'll look back and write about Sophomore year sometime soon, because I haven't done this journal justice. I've been out doing things, rather than sitting in my room thinking about doing them, and pitying myself for not having any friends to do them with. So...that has changed fairly rapidly this past year, and though I guess I've managed to post bits and pieces of the angsty parts, I haven't really written about the best parts of my best year ever.
Hopefully I can work up enough motivation to finish such a journal entry...at least I'm beyond the point of believing that someone's reading this, so I don't have to worry about impressing anybody or making it short enough for them to want to read.
This one's for me. When I...develop dementia and can't remember my lovely past, so I have it all written down to remind me.
I...watched The Notebook today.
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| fjksdal. |
[Wednesday
05/20/2009 at 09PM] |
Kaylee's thought to herself waking up this morning:
We should dress up as Lucy and Ricky...for something...
Brandon's thought this evening, over Facebook chat:
i'm listening to cielito lindo right now.
some day we should be lucy and ricky for something
We need to stop doing that.
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| Ok. I feel a little better. |
[Thursday
05/14/2009 at 09PM] |
Whenever a girl says that she feels ugly, I wish that every other girl in the room wouldn't rush over and tell her the opposite.
Because it really doesn't change anything.
You can tell her that she's beautiful all you want, but until she makes herself believe it, nothing you say will come close to changing her mind.
It's just the way it is.
Life...is...really hard when you've become dispassionate about it.
I do a lot of watching, a lot of listening, but not a lot of talking.
A lot of people think I'm sad when they see me sitting around, taking everything in, and I wouldn't say that I'm sad.
I just don't have anything worthwhile to say.
Not like I can ever find the right opportunity to speak, anyway.
The people I spend all of my time with are loud, outspoken, spit-fire story-telling type of people.
I can be that way sometimes...but these people are, all the time. It's intimidating, and I find it a lot easier to just not even try to speak.
But apparently I look sad when I listen...so. I guess I'll try not to look as sad.
I need to get over this guilt about talking deeply about myself...
You know it's a problem when YOU write about YOURSELF in YOUR Livejournal that nobody reads, and you still feel like you're wasting somebody's time.
Haha.
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[Saturday
05/2/2009 at 05PM] |
It says I last posted an entry 1 day ago, and I don't believe that, but maybe it's true.
I am a 16 year old girl, and so I've been reading a lot of quote journals on Xanga. I'm not sure how this began, or why it's so fun, but it always highlights my day somehow, being able to read what I feel in words that I find difficulty in saying myself.
I guess that's the point...it's like horoscopes or the fortunes in fortune cookies. They choose something easily relatable to just about anyone's life, to make the person believe that it's some cosmic force giving them the message, when really...it only applies because you look for an excuse to make it apply.
I've also been reading a lot of Seventeen and Girl's Life. Again, I don't know when or why this started, it just did, and it's fun. I guess I've recently realized that I've been 16 for a long time now - almost half a year - even though it went so fast. So I'm deciding that now is the time to enjoy my youth, rather than waste it.
Though, sometimes I'm afraid that I am just too aware of life for my own good.
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| School. |
[Thursday
04/30/2009 at 10PM] |
So...I've never really struggled with a class before, so this whole, "Having a C in Algebra" situation is new and scary to me.
It's not that I don't understand it, I just can't put any energy into wanting to learn it. And the worksheets are terrible...she assigns ahead of her lesson plan, as in, the homework covers what she will teach the day it's due. Because of this ludicrous gaaaayyy method of teaching, I just let the worksheets pile up until the end of the unit, when I understand all of it WITHOUT doing any worksheets at all, and that's when I do them.
My method is more practical and works a lot better...but it's also doing a great job of earning me a C.
So...on an opposite note, I was accepted into the National Honors Society.
Despite being the dumbass that I am, you know.
p.s.
musical's going great.
After having a really terrible, depressing Monday, I've decided to change my attitude, among other things. So far it's been good.
And I guess that's all I have to say about it for now, aha.
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| Of all the things to be worried about... |
[Monday
04/13/2009 at 10PM] |
I'm worrying over the possibility that I might be too good, that all the directors will want to cast me tomorrow, which means I might not get the only part I want that is available.
...it's hard to be talented. (:
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| crush |
[Monday
04/6/2009 at 07PM] |
Unmentioned in my previous entry, I have my monthly crush, and this time, he actually talks to me!
But...I realize in most cases, the people that talk to me are the people that talk to everyone. It's never because I'm special. (not a blow to myself, it's been accepted as fact.)
It's extremely unlikely that he likes me back, but I've grown mature enough to see that it's not that big of a deal. In fact...I think that I really just want to...know him. You know? Because I think he's really cool.
And if he does like me...well. I like him, too, obviously, so I think we can work something out there. (:
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| ffffffffffffffffffffff |
[Wednesday
04/1/2009 at 07PM] |
I've pinpointed all of my problems to my lack of sleep.
I am irritable.
I am, for the most part, disinterested in everything.
And I am paranoid.
I try to compensate by organizing things - I organize my homework folder every few hours, but somehow, I never get around to actually doing the homework I'm organizing.
I guess I'm also compensating by making myself look good...because it's one thing to be ugly and grumpy, it's another to be pretty and grumpy. The former is just generally unpleasant, the latter says, "She's just having a bad day...judging by how she looks, her shit's usually together." That doesn't mean it's logical, though.
But on to some better things...well, these things aren't really THAT much better, but it's a step.
I've recently started accept things a lot more, to stop fighting against it. I've realized that my previous inability to grasp this concept of "just letting it go" was because I was fed by my own excuses, and drama I kept perpetuating gave me excuses.
I've accepted that if Mr. Davis has made up his mind about not liking me, there's nothing I can do about it, but also that I should try as hard as I do in that class not to impress him, but to impress and content myself.
I've accepted that if a guy doesn't say he likes you after a while, he doesn't like you. To quote He's Just Not That Into You (surprisingly good movie) - "if a guy likes you, he'll make it happen."
I've accepted that I'm not perfect, and that a lot of things in my near and distant future will require work.
I've accepted that Humans are just Humans, and aren't worth the time psychoanalyzing every single thing certain examples do or say.
I've accepted that staying at rehearsals later than is required with the hopes of a certain person at that late rehearsal talking to you is a waste of time, because they never talk to you when you want them to. Go home, he isn't worth your time if that time is better-spent elsewhere. And don't you dare go on Facebook the minute you get home to see if he updated or something.
And lastly, I've accepted that true best friends DO need breaks from eachother.
I need to update this more often, because I have a lot of thoughts throughout the day...I mean, I guess I always have, but it's become increasingly more overwhelming.
P.S. I'm reading To Kill a Mockingbird for English.
I realize that that sentence has been written/said by trillions of students across the planet.
And I have to say, I love the writing style. Basically I decide if I hate the writing style five pages into the novel. And 80% of the time, I do, because all I have time to read are the books that are assigned. (and really, I don't even have time to read those) Because my school has eliminated Honors English 9 & 10, we're reading below grade level now. And even if we do happen to get a somewhat complicated read, my teacher explains and dumbs down every single chapter, and we spend a week discussing the same passages, over and over.
When it all comes down to it...English is the most pointless class ever. For someone like me, at least. Because I freaking understand books. Taking pages of tedious and pointless notes on each tiny plotpoint of the book isn't teaching me anything. I ask myself and answer comprehension questions as I'm reading, IN MY HEAD. So can't I just like, fill a quota of 2 books a month and not have to take English ever again?
You know, I really honestly cannot think of one thing that I've learned in that class this year.
I think I'm seriously done...like I said, more later.
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| Life is too much for a 16 year old. That's why many don't really have one. |
[Monday
03/23/2009 at 10PM] |
So, some small but extremely stressful things are already, or potentially, happening at this current point in my life.
I don't talk about it.
I don't write about it.
And as of late, I'm trying not to think about it.
The former two of the three are because I don't know how. I don't know what to say. And I guess that's part of the reason I'm stressed...I can't communicate. I don't know if it's because I have a huge filter in my head that is judgmental of everything about to exit it, or it's that I simply don't have the capacity to capture anything worth talking about into words, or both, or what. But it frustrates me, and my philosophy is that the more I try to force it out, the more frustrated I will become.
I will only talk about my feelings when I want to.
I will no longer let them be pulled out of me by someone else, because that is completely counter-productive.
As for the third...the not-thinking-about-it part. Well. Yeah. I do believe I've earned the right and opportunity this spring break I now have to relax, ignore everything.
I think that is hard for people. We are programmed to be responsible, to be prompt, to focus, to do as we're told - all of this accumulates, eventually in life, into a huge wad of crippling alertness that fails to allow us time to have a vacation. A mental one.
We are not allowed to leave our minds. We are not allowed to take more than a few moments to be emotional, to have mental breakdowns, to feel mentally and emotionally unwell. None of these are excuses to take a mental vacation to relax our minds, even if there is no authoritative voice telling us we can't, we are there to tell ourselves. That's the way we are - if you're told something enough times, you begin to tell yourself.
So instead, I'm giving myself permission to chill, which is probably the first step of a 12 step process. I feel like I have a lot to figure out ahead of me, but the process of figuring it all out involves presenting even more flaws that I'm already aware of - my modesty and selflessness about my own feelings, my social awkwardness, my feeling like I've literally lost some of my communication skills.
All of these must be overcome to move on to the next step - and I believe that the step before all of this, Step 1, is to relax and prepare for what is about to hit me.
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[Monday
03/16/2009 at 10PM] |
tomorrow's very, very rough schedule
wake up at 6:00 am
finish biology homework 6:15 am - 6:30 am
get ready for school 6:30 am - 7:30 am
practice music 7:30 am - 8:00 am
school 8:45 am - 3:20 pm
free time/miscellaneous 3:30 pm - 3:45 pm
chemistry homework 3:45 pm - 4:15 pm
algebra homework 4:15 pm - 4:45 pm
eat 4:45 pm - 5:00 pm
shower/get ready for concert 5:00 pm - 5:45 pm
concert 6:00 pm - 9:30 pm
finish leftover homework 9:45 pm - 10:30 pm
I need a break from like...the universe.
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| Oh Jesus. |
[Friday
03/13/2009 at 10PM] |
TO DO OVER THE WEEKEND:
ALGEBRA
- worksheets 5.5 and 5.6
CHEMISTRY
- finish lab questions
GOVERNMENT
- pink sheet
ENGLISH
- To Kill a Mockingbird, catch up to chapter 13
- TKAM writing prompts
- TKAM chapters 6-8 packet questions
- TKAM discussion questions on chapters 11-13
CAVELLES
- practice like hell
- memorize like hell
- work like hell
BIOLOGY
- Genetics packet
- Cow genetics
- Spongebob genetics
- Jamal Jenkins Declercque's birth announcement
DRAMA
- write critique of Our Town
SEUSSICAL
- practice music already learned
- try to start learning Who songs
- read more Dr. Seuss
GIRL SCOUTS
- look at Gold Award booklet
- Write Now! activity book
OTHER
- laundry
- tidy up
- SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
IMPORTANT DATES TO REMEMBER:
Lunchbox Theater
& Choir Concert
Tuesday, March 17th
Wicked!
Wednesday, March 25th
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| Stuff...wow. |
[Thursday
03/12/2009 at 11PM] |
The word that I've been using a lot lately to describe people:
pretentious
It pretty much applies to just about everyone I encounter lately...
It's times like these when I truly realize how much experience I really do have, and how much I have progressed from the spoiled daughter of the dance teacher to the beacon of maturity I am now.
Having been on every square inch of the theater spectrum, from the crippling sidestage crew to the title role, I've felt it ALL before. The excitement of getting THE part, the world-ending disappointment of not getting a part at all...nothing that could potentially happen will surprise me and turn me into a bragging, pretentious buttface like everyone else becomes when they get a lead, or even when they have no choice but to be on the crew, in which case they only whine and whine about how talented they are and that there's no reason why they're not in the cast. (something I spent a fair amount of time doing, honestly.)
Having grown from that, and thankful that I did, I only shake my head at those who are learning. I mean, obviously they're learning - I was probably as annoying as they are when I was in their situation - but at the same time, you can't help but be very bothered by it, you know?
The description of "pretentious" is also granted to people who are just in my classes, and I don't really have THAT much of a reason to have this opinion of them, but I do. The frustration of Musical People sort of leaks into everything else, making me initially angry with things, and then small little things done by people I hardly even know bug me a whole lot more than they should.
So, when Peyton speaks of her atheism and her beliefs in the power of feminism/the stupidity of man, I'm just like, "whoa, you are actually really stupid, seriously shut up." Because she's 16, and you can go ahead and believe that you shit intelligence because you read Freud this one time because you were bored, but if you can't back up what you say about religion, or explain Freud at all, then it only proves that you announce your ideals just to appear unique and nonconformist. Pretentious, I say.
Jacob is...an idiot. He's in my biology class, and in the middle of Mr. Gwin's lectures, he would raise his hand and say something like, "Actually, I read something online and it said this...blahblahblah I use big words without knowing what they mean, rarararara."
Mr. Gwin has picked up on this kid's pretense, and often calls on him to answer a question that is ACTUALLY relevant to the discussion, and when Jacob can't answer or answers it incorrectly - which is 95% of the time - it's really awesome. I can see the satisfaction on Mr. Gwin's face. Because you can't just throw big words out there and expect them to be correct because they sound intelligent.
Stupid. Pretentious.
I am aware that I'm not being very accepting at all...the problem is that I don't care. I excuse any annoyance I let show by blaming it on stress, which is an acceptable claim...I had been on a friendship roller coaster for a while, and the ride finally ended (though I have this impending feeling that we're just going to hop back in line again, but that's another journal entry entirely.) and...just, yeah, acting life. Musicals are a lot more taxing and exhausting than anything else, and it's not any easier if you're not in the best mood or physical state (haven't slept well for a long time) in the first place. Plus, I did a Promises performance tour thing yesterday, and the process of doing so takes two full days of CONSTANT chaos and motion and acting. That just drained me.
I've recently accepted that I'm just not an outwardly kind person, because when I am kind, I don't feel like myself at all. And it's so uncomfortable for me. So, instead, I'm blunt. And I commentary. And I laugh to myself during class because it's so candid how funny some things are.
So it's midnight.
I think it will end here.
but first p.s.
Things are better...until they get worse, because that always happens RIGHT after I write about it.
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| TEegasdf |
[Saturday
03/7/2009 at 12PM] |
It's both overwhelming and extremely exciting when you learn that childhood movies and storybooks are metaphors for REAL things.
You read a lot Dr. Seuss in your later years, and all you can think about is how genius it is.
Whatever was bad before, it's better now. I think it was mostly me being me, and I am really worrisome about the things that hardly deserve the amount of concern I give them.
Brandon and I were going to see Urinetown last night, but his rehearsal went a lot later than was anticipated, so it was too late to go. Instead we hung out at my house.
We watched Lion King II: Simba's Pride, and we both agreed that it was the best sequel Disney ever made, hands down.
Also, I suppose it's worth mentioning that he knows as much Disney trivia as I do. Which is impressive, because I absorb a looot of information. He's also been to Disneyland almost as many times as I have, which is also impressive.
We had intentions to go on his Myspace and make fun of the majority of his 538 "friends," many of which he fosters a burning hatred for, and when asked why they're his friends on Myspace, he says, "I'm popular and I don't know why." Obviously, I have a list of reasons why, but I decided that's another conversation for another day.
Anyway, by the time he had logged on Myspace and started to go through his friend catalog, we had pretty much lost interest.
No witty ending to this entry. Haha.
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| Japa-Jew-ese... |
[Thursday
03/5/2009 at 10PM] |
Scott, the gigantic Japanese junior: Yeah, well, Solomon, I'm Jewish, too.
Solomon: Bullshit.
Scott: Seriously! None of you believe me! None of you believe that an Asian can be Jewish.
Solomon: ...
Scott: You won't let me have a religion, is that it?
later...
Scott: Whoa, whoa whoa, my pencil almost rolled off the desk and I caught it. Praise Jesus.
Kaylee: I thought you were Jewish.
Scott: ...you're a slut.
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| And another thing... |
[Tuesday
03/3/2009 at 08PM] |
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I think I've officially decided that I don't need a boyfriend, because I feel like I'm already freaking married.
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| Some things. |
[Monday
03/2/2009 at 07PM] |
I thought I liked Algebra.
Then logarithms and polynomials and graphing quadratics happened, and suddenly, I'm in tears.
Today, after school, I took the unit final that I had missed due to absence, and I honestly don't think I've worked so hard on a test in my life. I am a test taking machine - I was the only one in all six of Ms. Doyle's classes to get a perfect score on the nervous system test, and I studied for the first time ten minutes before taking it.
I've since realized that the reason is because every test I've taken previously have been easy to crack the code to - multiple choice is my specialty.
So when I'm given blank graphs and a 3-step logarithm thing to fill the graph with, I can't do it. Add to it the fact that I was absent for half of the unit when I was supposed to learn all of it, and you've got a nice looking F. Maybe a D if I didn't make any silly mistakes, but I always make silly mistakes.
Needless to say, I've taken to relaxing my way through school over the last decade, because it's always been easy...to no fault of mine.
Obviously, this screws me over when I actually have to do the work.
...no child left behind. ):
Oh, and yeah, musical cast list will be posted tomorrow MORNING.
I can't wait. Like. Really. I can't wait.
I wasn't on the list for secondary callbacks this afternoon, which at first worried me, because everyone else who was at the first callbacks was on it. And then Brandon told me that Andrew Garcia wasn't on the list either. And Andrew has bitchin' talent. We both think it's because Andrew has already been cast, as the Cat in the Hat. (honestly, one look at the guy would tell you that he's perfect for the part.)
So this means one of two things - I'm already cast in a part, or I'm just in the chorus and nothing else. Both of which I'm fine with, but of course, the former would be cooler than the latter, no matter how cool the latter is!
And yet there's a part of me that believes it's just too good to be true...and that my name won't be on the list at all, even though he said on Thursday that we all made it in.
An irrational fear, I agree.
I realize that I have no life that isn't lived on a stage.
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| I never feel like actually updating. |
[Sunday
02/15/2009 at 12AM] |
I just finished my first hour long phone conversation of my life.
It began at approximately 11:11.
I say approximately because I looked at the clock a few minutes into the conversation, and it was 11:14.
also...colorgenics is pretty stupid, but it gave me an accurate result, I guess.
Name: kaylee
Date: 2/15/2009
Colorgenics Number: 36421507
You appear to others around you as a person who is simply 'laid back'. From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy. You have the ability and you are the first to know this, but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.
In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.
You are a demanding egocentric and therefore quick to take offence. This attitude makes people feel somewhat inadequate when in your company and so it is no wonder that at times you feel alone and unwanted.
You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.
You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.
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| College. |
[Friday
02/6/2009 at 12PM] |
So, I recently got my PSAT scores.
When I took the test, I put my email address on it to receive information from interested colleges.
I guess a lot of them are interested.
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| A death too close to home. |
[Sunday
01/25/2009 at 05PM] |
Last night, a fellow sophomore at my school was shot downtown.
I did not know her.
I only somewhat recognize her face.
But I can't stop thinking about her.
You must know what I'm talking about, that feeling of mortality.
Not necessarily fear, but...the fact that if she was my friend, she would be gone.
I would have lost her.
And the fact that it could have easily been me, just going to a dance party on a Saturday night.
I'm not sure I believe it quite yet, but thoughts of an impending school day are beginning to make me wonder how the student body will cope with this.
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